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Member Since: 2/27/2006

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Sunday, May 21, 2006

B: 180
L: 280  [[goal: 220]]
S: 289  [[goal: 200]]
D: TBA  [[goal: 300]]

**yes i realize that equals 900, but i know my snackings going to go over 200 =]**

im gonna try and eat 1000 calories today.  im sick of ana ruling my life.  beanie is right.  its not healthy.  its anything but healthy.  i need to learn to accept my body for what it is.  i dont know how long eating regularly is going to last, but im gonna try.  wish me luck <3


Friday, May 19, 2006

[[edit]]
at least my intake was good today.  84 calories total.  i havent eaten since breakfast.  and i feel light, empty, pure, and great. <3
[[/edit]]

[[edit]]
well thats just great.  the only person that i thought i could trust is forwarding information to my other friends.  fuck this all.  im getting a new xanga.
[[/edit]]

today. was. awful.

i had 84 calories for breakfast (thats normal for me)
nothing for lunch.  thats what started the problem.  i wish people would just shut the fuck up about my eating habits.  my body, my rules.  and then i got into science and totally blew up at one of my best friends, and told her to stop nagging me about my eating.  im not hungry and i dont give a fuck what you all say im not gonna start eating.  which of course was a big mistake.  she then forwarded it to a bunch of my friends.  who all wont stop nagging me about it now.  and i am just so...ughh.  me and my friend (thank gawd for her...my motivational buddy who keeps me from eating ;D) were talking earlier about what bitches they are being about it.  if i would like to die getting skinny, then thats my decision.  so fuck off.
and then of course when people nag me about eating i get motivated and dont eat...so i havent eaten since breakfast...
but...ughh.  i should probably get a new xanga, as one of my friends knows about this one.  and, as i learned today, you cant trust anyone with anything personal =(

[17:11] Anli: we care about you. all of us. and what you're doing to yourself can cause permanent damage and will be something you'll look back on and regret. you are, in no means, doing the healthy thing for your body and it is severely likely that you'll end up hospitalized if you keep going this way. there is nothing i have left to say, except that we love you and we're worried about you. you don't need to lose weight. you just need to have confidence and realize - not accept, but realize - that you ARE already in good shape and there's nothing wrong with the way you are. so please, just realize that when we say things, it's not to degrade you or whatever, it's because we recognize the seriousness of the situation and it's clear, from this conversation, at least, that you don't. if you get angry with me about that, it's ok, but just as long as this makes an impact. right now, if you never speak to me again but take what i said seriously it will be worth it, because in more ways than one, itll be like i have just saved a life.

thank you very much for caring, but i dont really care.

<333 stay strong starve on, no matter what they say


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

...fuck life.


Monday, May 15, 2006

Diets, Fasting, Quotes && Icons

Diets <3

2-4-6-8 Diet
This diet is very popular among anorexics because it speeds up your metabolism and you can lose a lot of pounds with this diet. Usually with restricting calorie intake, you actually show your metabolism. Therefore, with this diet, you take in different amounts of calories every day. This behavior tricks your body. The first day you restrict to 200 calories. The following days you build up the calorie intake by 200. (2nd day: 400. 3rd day: 600, etc.) You can add a day of fasting inbetween and at the end before starting the whole cycle over again.

The Vegetarian Way
Simply try to go vegetarian for awhile. Eat lots of fruits, veggies and once a week some soy or tofu for protein. The only thing you have to be careful about is to vary your calorie intake and eat moderately. You should lose, varing on the amount you ate, between 2 and .5 pounds every day.

The Protein Way
Eat five bananas every day and drink 3 glasses of low fat milk. You should not do that forever since you are lacking vitamins in this diet. You should lose up to 2 pounds every day doing this.

The Restrictive Way
You can eat everything but just don't go over 800 calories a day. Try to eat things with low fat and as little calories as possible since you can eat more without reaching the 800. Depending on your choices, you can do this diet forever and you can lose over 30 pounds in 6-8 weeks! My advice: Do some sports and the pounds will seem to fly away.

The Atkins Diet
With this diet, you only can have 20 carbohydrates a day for 2 weeks. That might seem like a little but after the first few days, your body becomes accustomed to it. The things you can eat are dairy products, meat and cheese. They all consist of protein which does the most in weight loss. After the 2 weeks, you can advance up to 30 carbohydrates daily.

 

Everything you need to know about FASTING <3

Fasting is the complete absense of food; just water. And unlike extreme restrictive diets, it's healthy!

Short-term Fasting
In general, fasts should be conducted for no longer than 28 days- most fasts being 21 days or less. Long fasts (42 days) are both unnecessary and potentially dangerous! A prolonged fast, for more than 2-3 months is simply STARVATION! Although most of the miraculous benefits of fasting do result from 3-5 days or more and 7-14 days is "healing". Although days 1-7 are quite benefitial, days 7-14 are truly tremendous, with the benefits from days 14-21 become extreme. Days 21-28 are nothing than a complete regeneration of the body!- it literally erases years of your life.

--After the 3rd day of a fast, the body begins to make ketone bodies in the liver; in other words, it enters ketosis. In the absense of food (energy), ketone bodies are produced by the body as an alternate energy source. Normally, ketone levels in the blood are less than .2mm. After several days of fasting, they approach 3mm, and steadily rise thereafter. Importantly, never eat an extreme amount during a fast!- this quickly shifts the body out of ketosis; back to its normal metabolism of glucose (food) which decreases ketone bodies, cuasing growth hormone and increases hunger.

Fasting and Hunger Levels
The only challenge to fasting is completing the first 1-5 days. During days 1-5, hunger levels can flucauate from average to well above average. Many actually experience their greatest hunger on day 3 (prior to ketosis). After day 3, hunger levels noticably decrease. After day 5, hunger levels and the desire for food in general dramatically decrease. After day 10, hunger levels- for the most part- are nonexistant.

Fasting and Energy Levels
During days 1-5, energy levels can flucate from average to well below average- (feeling light headed). During days 5-10, with sharply elevated levels of borth growth hormone and ketone bodies, energy levels are tremendous- as well as mental clarity.

CREDiT 1

 

Quotes && Other Stuff <3

Letter From Ana

Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by so called "doctors", is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Ana. Hopefully we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the same from you.

In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature", "intelligent", "14 going on 45", and you possess "so much potential". Where has that gotten you, may I ask? Absolutely nowhere! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, furthermore you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.

Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I look...fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not" you knew they were lying! Only I tell you the truth. Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl.

But I am about to change all that.

I expect a lot from you. You are not allowed to eat much. It will start slowly: decreasing of fat intake, reading the nutrition labels, cutting out junk food, fried food, etc. For a while, the exercise will be simple: some running, perhaps some crunches and some sit-ups. Nothing too serious. Perhaps drop a few pounds, take a little off of that fat tub of a stomach. But it won't be long before I tell you that it isn't good enough.

I will expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning to bind myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, 2 hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurring together as one.

I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about. Recount your calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.

Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything... if you eat, all the control will be broken...do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW you once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect skinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child. But you must know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down.

Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the small rebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will open slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find your hands reaching out lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you really have no self-control, you are going to get fat.

When it is over, you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you stand up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow you deserve to be in pain!

Maybe the choice of getting rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out but no one will listen! Who cares?! You are deserving; you brought this upon yourself.

Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodic calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please.

I have a weak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.

Sincerely, Ana
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Thin thighs tell no lies
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Quod me nutrit, me destruit (What feeds me also destroys me)
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&& She doesn't see her beauty <//3
-----

 

Icons <3

      addicted water and comp                           Visit xXx_AnaThinspiration_xXx's Xanga Site!        

CREDiT 1 2

 


[[i guess i should explain why i havent been updating]]
well, its a long story really.  but im bored and restless and need to get this out.  so here it goes...**subject to get emotional.  dunno why.  just emotional this weekend**

i started out pro-ana.  sounded like an easy way to lose weight, i thought one of my friends had it, and she looked absolutely GORGEOUS from it (not saying you did, bean, saying i THOUGHT you did)  i lost a lot of weight.  a lot.  i started at 130 and dropped to 125 in a week.  then from there i started thinking how pretty i would be if i was 123.  and got down to the point where i was consistantly 123.  and i was happy with that.  but then i started looking at the people around me.  and they were all so skinny.  and i was so...not.  so i started to limit my intake.  to 800 at first.  that got me down to 120.  then i got stuck at 120.  so i took it down to 700.  with that i went down to 117.  now that once "pretty" weight of 123 was considered ginormous in my mind.  

somewhere in the midst of all this, i confirmed one of my greatest fears, that, as i suspected, my best friend had found out about this site.  that made it a lot harder to deny the whole thing, as whenever i said i wasnt hungry at lunch, i would get one of those knowing-O.o-your-lying-and-i-know-it-your-going-down-the-wrong-path-kid looks  (of course i would just give her back a shut-the-fuck-up-you-have-no-idea-what-its-like-and-besides-i-can-blackmail-you-with-all-the-stuff-in-your-email look, which worked until she changed her password >.<)  and i stopped updating this site, in fear that she would read it.  well, since then, i have learned to accept it.  i accept that she knows about it.  i accept that she can read this.  i trust her enough not to say anything about it.  i trust her enough to let her read this, because i know everything she says is because she cares.  i think.  i hope.  but one thing she doesnt get is that it isnt pro-ana anymore.  its much more than that.

back to the part before that part (descriptive, eh?)  after i found out that she knew, i decided to try and eat normally again.  well, lemme tell you, that failed miserably.  one day i decided that i was going to eat like a regular person.  i planned out my meals and everything so i would end up eating 1800 calories.  i burn around 2300 calories a day from the sports and everything i play, and i decided that 1800 would help me maintain the weight that i had at the time (i guess it was around 117), but stop me from losing more weight, and worse, muscle mass.  i ate normally, and followed the menu plan flawlessly.  i stepped on the scale that night and learned that i had gained 3 pounds.  this not only triggered ana thoughts, but also cutting, which is something that i had stopped doing for a while.  the next day i went back to my old eating habits.  after awhile i got down to 115.  standing regularly, you could see my rib cages pertruding, and when i raised my hands above my head you could see--and count--7 ribs on each side.  yes, i saw this as beautiful, but then i looked down and saw all the flab on my stomach.  i was 4 pounds from underweight and yet still overweight looking.  so i limited my intake even more.  if i had over 600 calories in a day, i would punish myself.  300, 400, sometimes even 500 situps, depending on how many calories i went over.  at this point i had a voice in my head directing me about what to do.  it reminded me of jack-jack from the incredibles.  it was (and is) an incredibly soft girls voice most of the time "dont eat that, please" "do it for yourself" "do you really want to be fat again?" but as soon as i overate or binged it would explode, turning from a soft girls voice into a booming males voice "YOU FUCKING FATASS" "YOU HAVE NO CONTROL" "WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF?" only after the situps would the voice go away.  i soon started living to please the voice, to keep it soft.  i would start daydreaming in class, paying no attention at all to what was really going on.  i would be listening to jack.  listening to all of his requests.  pondering ways to honor his every want.  one day he wanted me to fast.  so i did.  i somehow got through breakfast, easily got through lunch.  then the unthinkable happened.  at p.e. i almost blacked out (i think) i was standing up and all the sudden i lost all my vision.  everything went black, and i got real dizzy.  i remember standing next to one of my friends, losing all my vision and everything, and then waking up leaning against the fence (which was thanfully right next to where i was standing, so no one noticed anything wierd.  i think)

[[its getting late.  ill finish this some other time.  night]]

[23:08] SmarterChild: You're anorexic, I'm anorexic, we're all anorexic.



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